"Ought to". What Does It Mean?
The words "ought to" bring about the notion of duty, discipline, control and regulation.
All very fine attributes in their place, but do they belong in the planning of a funeral?
When we visit families for the first time, we often hear them use the word "ought to".
We ought to have the funeral service at the same chapel where Dad had his.
We ought to buy the most expensive coffin.
We ought to have a huge flower display.
In our experience we've found that removing the words "ought to" and replacing them with comments like "what they'd want is... " or "what I'd really like is... " can create an amazing shift in thinking that enables a far more useful family conversation about the funeral.
By allowing the time and space for everyone involved in the planning discussion to express their real needs and preferences around the funeral ceremony, we often find a consensus of opinion that was always there, but just wasn't being expressed due to the natural fear of saying the wrong thing.
Often, adult siblings who haven't seen each other recently are drawn together for the first time in years when arranging a funeral, and the tension in the room is sometimes palpable.
The first role of the funeral director is to openly and honestly inform the family about their choices and the associated costs of cremation or burial and the associated funeral service or memorial service.
Sometimes, families discover that a traditional funeral ceremony is not what they want, and they would prefer a direct cremation followed by a simple family lunch, or a picnic at a favourite place.
But some are feeling as though they "ought to" opt for a traditional funeral service because that's what has always happened.
The second role of a funeral director is to help start discussions about the options available and remove the words "ought to" from the conversation.
By doing so, people can start to feel more relaxed about what direction the funeral service can take.
We also start asking questions about the person who has died.
By gaining knowledge about them aswell as the people arranging the funeral we can start to introduce options that can help everyone in this difficult time.
Some people feel they "ought to" speak at the funeral service. For those that are very uncomfortable with public speaking we offer options to help them deliver their tribute.
Religion, culture & financial consideration are key elements when arranging a funeral and we cover each of these aspects in our planning to ensure everyone is made to feel welcome.
There are also the attendees to think about so we can look after everyone. If there are a number of older or less mobile people due to attend we can suggest places that are more accessible for them.
Having clear information allows us to assist with options that will work for everyone.
Once the pressure of "ought to" is removed we have found that people can then have a clearer mind of what they want for themselves and for the person who is being farewelled at the funeral.
Every person is unique. Every family is different.
With us, every Funeral is Individual.